I have been copying posts between my blogs lately and just decided to not do that today. I did it honestly because I didn't have the energy to think up a new post, not to mention my brain has been pretty well fried the past week.....month....months...etc. It goes back to my dad first getting stomach pains. I wish I could have helped him more. I couldn't.

Today is my birthday. Yet it just made me honestly hurt more. I think of how my dad felt the day I was born. I think of how he looked. I wonder how excited he was. He was 23. I was his second child. My big sister Donna is about 2 years older than me. I am leaning on her now, but she can lean on me too. I want to be her support just as much as she is mine.

It's hard. I was not ready to lose him. I had been trying to comfort him and not let him be afraid.

It's even harder that I'm almost a 2 year survivor. I have been so proud of that and so was he....but now it just seems I don't know......less important. I wanted my dad to join me with that title and I kept telling him if it was cancer he would. Oh well. Again, random thoughts, jumbled up in my head throughout the day. I'll work through it all. Somehow.

My dad passed away tonight. He lost his battle with pancreatic cancer at 10:23 p.m. on December 27, 2009. The obituary will say 11:30 because that is how Hospice logged it....but I held his hand as he took his last breath.

I got to his house at about 11:30 this morning. He moan and sort of yelled out at around 5 or 6 p.m. and did not breathe for a few seconds. This happened again a few minutes later. I knew it was going to be soon. Still, the whole thing has been surreal. It happened so fast. Even 2 weeks ago I still had hope he would make it, somehow. We had the surgery all lined up then they dealt us the horrible blow that he had pancreatic cancer. We brought him home, where he wanted to be.

I knelt by his bed, cried and held his hand as he left this world. The world has lost a great man, but heaven has gained a great soul. I love you dad. I miss you.

It has been confirmed. It is pancreatic cancer and it has metastasized all over his body. In other words, it's too late. Right now we are working on bringing home. That's where he wants to be. We will need Hospice to come in and nurses to help but somehow we'll make this work. I want my dad in his own home.

It's been a discouraging year and an even worse Christmas season for me. How can one feel any Christmas spirit when the whole month is about whether or not my dad will live or die? It's hard. I can't focus on Christmas. I have had so much to worry about.

Today I will meet my sister at the hospital to discuss the next move.

My dad is just 57 years old. Don't forget to hug your daddy this Christmas.

I am exhausted. It's been a long day. They cancelled my dad's surgery. They had done a biopsy prior to the surgery and saw that there was absolutely a malignancy and it had spread. At this point we don't know what kind. We don't know by the sample where it started, just that it is cancer. Of course the belief is that it is pancreatic. I have been at the hospital all day. He is weak and can hardly speak. He sleeps most of the time. This has been a very hard and difficult time for my whole family. My mother is barely keeping it together. I will write more later. It's time to rest for now.

Oh and because it spread the surgery was basically pointless. It couldn't save him anymore. So it's been a discouraging day, to say the least.

First of all this picture just made me laugh. I know I would hate it if it were me. Nicole went out on the red carpet with white powder literally all over her face. I am wondering where in the world was her makeup artist this night? I mean come on, it's not like she drove herself there, parked her car and walked up alone right? Someone had to have seen this. She always claimed she has had no work done. She's all natural. Unfortunately for her I have been watching her movies for oh.....15 years? I can see the change. Forehead lines don't disappear with age....but for her? Apparently they do.

I am just posting this to show off my new shoes. I looooove them! So freaking hot don't you think?



I can't wait to wear them out. That's 4 1/2 inches of heel there baby. I love being a whole 5'6 1/2".

This Saturday is the Benefit for my dad. We still do not have all the supplies needed. We are not sure how big or small the turnout will be. What I do know is we do not yet have everything needed. We desperately need a few items and time is running short. If you would like to donate even a couple of dollars toward the cost of the benefit ONLY please click the paypal button below:

This will help reduce the cost of the benefit itself for my sisters and myself. Right now especially with Christmas money is very tight. My dad needs this benefit though. He will most likely need constant medical care for the rest of his life at this point. I think we are all coming to terms with this. He has copays and deductibles and a lot of other regular bills that my mom is now having to deal with paying. He cannot help anymore. So we want to just let them worry about ONE thing and that is getting dad better. I'll make sure to get a lot of pictures from the benefit and post them. I am pretty excited. If you want to donate TO my dad directly please send your donation to The John Hamilton Benefit Fund at the State Bank of Speer in Speer, Illinois. E-mail me directly for a specific address.

Well it's almost over. This semester is drawing to a close. I am ready for it. I have studied, I have lost sleep, and I have stressed to the point of quitting. I didn't. I made it through, despite all the trials I have had to deal with in the past year. I am not done with those trials. Not by any means but I somehow manage to push it to the back of my brain, for just a while so I can get on with my life and do the things I have to do.

I have 2 finals on Wednesday and one on Thursday then it's Christmas break for a MONTH for me. I am pretty anxious. I may have more blogging time for awhile. *gasp*

It really has been this year. I am surprised some days I am still standing. It's not even all the stuff I air out on my blogs. It's the things I don't air out. There are things I keep to myself that equal or even outweigh all the other stuff going on. Between my dad and those other things I haven't felt a whole lot of Christmas Spirit. I'm working on it.

So far this Saturday I have been lazy. That's right. Lazy. I am not in the mood to do the list of things I have to do. Granted I have a little time to get them done but not that much. I need to be studying but let me tell you, we all need a break sometime.

I am going to crack open some books tonight. I'll at least get to work on the practice test for my math final. That one is super important. I do have a whole lot of things to do but this is it. My finals are this week then nada! Hey I don't even think I have a class on Monday. My final are on Wednesday and Thursday then that is that. OVER! I am almost done.

I will enjoy it while I can. Nursing School is on the 18th of January. After that I doubt I'll even remember what free time is!

I love this song. Actually one of the things I always loved about it was the part where it says "Yo Sandi, I wanna like taste you." I know all the words to this one. I was freaking out the hubby singing it word for word in my living room. haha It's not my usual genre as far as singing goes. Though I can also sing all the words to Ice Ice Baby pretty well! Ha! Who can't?

Explore Modeling - Face of e.l.f. Casting: Sandra Bender


Please click the link to vote for me. Time is winding down on this contest and my rank really hasn't improved a whole lot. I keep forgetting myself. haha Hope everyone is enjoying their Friday. I had class and now I am trying to relax for a few. I have a lot of studying to do this weekend. I'm kinda ready for it. I am so glad finals are almost here because then I am DONE! I can't wait to be finished for awhile.

I need to get busy on my Christmas shopping. I really haven't had a chance, nor has my mind been on it with dad being so sick. I didn't get the greatest news today about him. I am so worried about him. I can't stand this. The whole thing is too stressful. It seems so simple to just want your dad back. Life has proven to me time and again, it's just not that easy.

How much have you done? Me? I haven't bought a single thing. That's right. NOTHING. I don't even have a tree up. Honestly I would have done the tree by now but I just keep forgetting. I am feeling a little "Christmasy" this year, but still I tend to put these things off. I am one of those people running around the store at the last minute. I always get it done though.

I just haven't had time lately. The semester is winding down to a finish and with finals coming up I have my nose in the books. Top that off with all that's been going on with my dad and who has time? I'll get it done. I always do.

How much shopping have you all done? I love hearing how everyone is all done, presents wrapped and sitting under the tree by Thanksgiving. Oh that is so not me.

Oh and I snapped the pic with my webcam today. I tend to sit on my couch in a ball with the laptop on my lap of course :)