kZaMSEs8bhox1qeqgumRFj9Lymo Nothing Off Limits: So Confused Right Now


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Sunday, August 8, 2010

So Confused Right Now

This past year has been a rough one. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in December, just 2 days after Christmas and just 2 days before my birthday. Between that and then going to nursing school it was just overwhelming. I had to go to school and study the very things that killed my dad. Some days in class were almost unbearable. One of those days was the day we went over grief and mourning. It was still so fresh to me.

The point of this is my birth mom, whom I was never raised with, is not well. The confusing thing? Well it's a long story. Start from the beginning? My mom left me when I was just 13 months old. Well she left my dad, my older sister and myself. She came back around when I was 5. She had left and gotten a job as a stripper. Yeah I know. Anyway my dad was the Sunday school teacher. We lived a life around the church. We went 3 days a week you know. My dad was strict. He was very very firm. My mom was carefree about nothing but having a good time. She came back around and to me my step-mom was my mother. I have been told I cried and didn't believe her. My older sister Donna remembers living with my mom and says she remembers me crying and crying for food at night when my mother would leave us alone while my dad worked 3rd shift. I'm glad I do not have these memories. She remembers feeding me popcorn from the trashcan because of my crying.

Ok. Moving forward our mother comes back into our lives and gets visitation rights. She gets us like every other weekend. She doesn't show up much of the time. I loved being with her though. She was like a friend. We never got in trouble. Compared to my dad's strictness, she was like a weekend of fun. I guess as a kid that is the way you'd see it. When she didn't show our hearts were broken.

Fast forward again to being an adult. I saw my mom on occasion. She'd come visit now and again but she did the same thing. She's make promises to come. You'd get all ready for her then nothing. She just wouldn't show up. So I stopped telling my kids grandma was coming. I didn't want her breaking their hearts too.

More fast forwarding. I got sick in 2007. I was pregnant and I had cancer. I was told at 10 weeks pregnant I had to start chemo now because I wouldn't last 3 weeks to the second trimester at which time it was considered "safer" to do. I couldn't breathe. I was coughing up blood. I spent time in the hospital etc. My mother borrowed money from my grandpa to come see me. My aunt let me in on the surprise but unfortunately my mother didn't know that. She thought I was unaware and kept that money for herself and never showed up. After that I was done. She tried to connect with me but I wanted no more of it. I just didn't have the care anymore if you know what I mean.

Eventually I talked to her a few times off and on. I never went to see her. She would call on the rare occasion. She stopped by unexpectedly a couple of times. In the past few years she got herself hooked on pain meds. She became hard to understand and began doing odd things. She would go through my friends list on myspace and add my friends. It was embarrassing and weird. She wrote me notes and made little sense. It has saddened me more and more. My grandmother has Alzheimer's so I don't know if I can blame any of this on possible Alzheimer's or it's all the meds. I don't know. We finally had no choice but to admit her to a nursing home for full time care. She had fall a few times and hurt herself. She is out of control as well. She needs constant care anymore.

Well the nursing home called tonight. For a few seconds my heart sunk and I feared the worst. I thought she was gone too. I realized then that I still cared. I can't help it. I was so scared and I don't know why. She's hurt me numerous times yet I can't be like her and just not care. I'm going to take my sister and we're going to go see her this week. This whole thing leaves me confused because I still care.....and yet this other part of me asks why? I don't know the answer to it. I just realized I have to be who I am. I am a person who DOES care. My relationship with her could have been more, had she tried. I mourn for whatever that may have been. I mourn the loss of my father. I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful for my step-mom.

As for my mother? She fell and hit her head. I was pretty scared before they said she was ok. I realized then it's not so easy. I obviously still love her and I don't want this on my heart, whenever she does leave this earth. It's all so confusing.


Jenny H said...

Sandi, I know it it's not easy to let go of the hurt and anger from the past. I feel the same way and worry sometimes that the things I feel and say now will come back to haunt me later. On the other hand, I wonder sometimes if clinging to that resentment isn't us giving them that same power over us that made us feel hurt and helpless to begin with. Hang in there! It is so natural to feel the way you do.

jenn said...

I felt the same way about my dad, but for completely different reasons. Then one day, he had a brain aneurysm, and we almost lost him. There was a lot of forgiveness all around when he pulled through brain surgery, and I am so glad I was given that opportunity. Maybe forgiving your mom for all that she has (and hasn't) done over the years will bring you some peace.

The Constant Complainer said...

Sandi, these situations are never easy. Family drama is so difficult to live with. I'm right there with you - I haven't spoken to my mother or my sister in over six years. I regret that now, but it's hard to make old feelings go away. I was pretty content on not caring about it, until I read a book called "The Shack." It has nothing to do with family drama, but it's a powerful story about faith, death and forgiveness. So I've made recent efforts to try and mend things. So I hear you when you say that you do care. And it's OK to care. Life is too short. You'll do the right thing.


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