kZaMSEs8bhox1qeqgumRFj9Lymo Nothing Off Limits: Happy Person

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Sunday, September 11, 2011

Happy Person

I really am normally a very happy person considering all that's gone on in my life. I have had a lot happen to me in the um 30 something years I have been around. I was feeling pretty depressed a few days ago. My studies get me down because they are frankly overwhelming. I have so many people proud of me and counting on me that it gets really hard sometimes.

Now my life, well when someone asks what is wrong I may seem cold when I tell them "you don't have time" to listen, or you don't want to know. First of all, if you're a guy? I know you don't want to hear my story. At least, you don't want me sobbing on your shoulder crying about my problems. I am no fool. I have been around. I know you for the most part just don't know how to react when a woman gets teary eyed around you. Some guys do, but some don't. I appreciate what I have but some things are getting to me as an adult. First of all, it has gotten really hard since my dad died. My family has fallen apart. My step mom showed her true colors when dad died. She was never loving or affectionate anyway. She abused me and my sisters growing up and tried to get my dad to hurt us too. She didn't hug us, or tell us she loved us. She didn't help with our homework but she sure as hell beat us if we didn't do well. I had a lot of pressure to succeed out of fear. There was no slacking for me. She was with another man right after dad died. My younger sister confronted her. Long story short and I am just tired of caring who reads this or who tells who. I don't care! I don't care about her anymore. She is nothing to me so it no longer matters. I love my dad. I will always remember and love him. But my step mom was a piece of crap from the time she came in my life. She hit me for calling my birth mother "mom". I got beat! I was beaten if I got sick and threw up. I got thrown in my bed if I didn't feel well and not allowed to do ANYTHING but lay there. I know some people have it worse. That's fine. But whatever. This is my life. I realize I am not close to anyone in my family anymore except my sisters. I love them so much and they are all I have.

I am not close to the rest of my family because many of them were AWFUL when dad died. My step mom spread rumors and lies to get sympathy and attention for herself. My sisters and I have been devastated by her actions. My birth mother is no better. She never came to see me the whole time I had cancer and I have never forgiven her. Maybe I will forgive but it will not mean a thing to her. She doesn't know she was wrong. I had cancer and was in remission for just a year when my dad got sick. And then he died before I ever hit the two year mark. I laughed at cancer and it kicked me in the ass. Whatever. You want to know what's wrong some days? I bottle this up and it kills me. I really am a happy person. I have a lot of stuff that's happened but I get it out. I pick myself up. I move on. But remember, if you ask me what's wrong when I'm feeling down? You don't have the time to listen.


*damn spellcheck is not working and I am not caring enough to proof read!

3 comments:

jenn said...

(((hugs))) I know how hard it is to hold everything inside...I have been doing a lot of that since my husband left. To the outside world, I am nuts for getting along with him and his "fiance", you know, the chick he cheated on me with. BUT, to me, it's better to put on a happy face and get along for the kids sake than to fight all the time. Does this mean I have forgiven him? Hell no. I keep all that inside. One of these days, I might blow, but for now, I put on my smile and live my life. I have my therapist to talk to, though, so that helps. She says it's good to get things off your chest every now and again...if you need to vent or whatever, I'll listen. You know where to find me.

Angela said...

I feel the exact same way when it comes to people asking me "what's wrong?" or "are you okay?". Most of them really don't have time to listen.. so I don't bother telling anyone. I guess that's basically what my blog is for. And most of the time it seems that men aren't really interested in what may or may not be bothering us.. they have an ulterior motive for pretending to be interested.

I'm sorry that you had a horrible stepmother. I have a horrible stepfather so I can sort of relate to that. I personally think that for what you have gone through in your life thus far you are doing wonderfully and it shows just how strong you are. We can't be strong all of the time, however, so it's okay if you feel overwhelmed sometimes. You've got a lot on your plate so its only natural that you would feel that way sometimes.

SLColman said...

*Hugs* Some people are just horrible individuals :( You are a wonderful person though!!

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